By Estelle Ng
Call me silly but I’ve been doing a lot of calculations these days. I’ve been calculating how much I’ve spent, how long it takes for me to cook, how long it takes for me to travel to classes from home (about 5 minutes), how long it takes for me to prepare my skin for 7 hours of sleeping in the cold and dry weather (also known as my Before Sleep Beauty Regime), and of course, I’ve been keeping a very close track of the number of weeks I’ve been here and the number of weeks I’ve left.
As of now, I’ve left home for exactly four weeks. It definitely does not feel like I’ve been away for a month – I don’t particularly miss Singapore or my bed or my friends or my boyfriend. In fact, I like this change. I like the fact that Canada is somewhere very different from where I come from – from climate, to culture, to accent, to language, to time zones – and there hasn’t been a bit about my Canadian experience that I detest. Travelling to somewhere very foreign has been my goal for this Exchange Programme… in fact, travelling to somewhere foreign is something I like to do and have done very often. The contrast allows me to learn and grow, grow and learn and here are three things that being away from home has taught me.
1. Living alone could be terrifying, but so far, it has been liberating.
(When I mean “alone”, I mean that I could be with people but it’s with people that I’m not familiar with – loneliness is afterall a feeling.) At the beginning of my SEP, many people took huge amounts of effort to locate people who were either going to the same country, province or school so that they can hang out and spend the whole of their journey together. Contrary to the majority, I decided to live alone and settle with whoever who crosses my path. After flights were booked and apartment was reserved, many people thought I was beyond courageous to do what I did. The thing about me is that sometimes I decide on impulse – I saw an affordable nice apartment that was near school, and I made a reservation. Fear has never crossed my mind in this process. I was more worried about whether to pack some pretty nail polishes with me or whether the number of pen refills I have is enough to last me. It seems strange but up until today, I feel free to do whatever I want – there is no one I have to account to, there is no one in particular I have to accommodate to since my friends here agree that we can do whatever we want, no obligations. Perhaps it is because I’ve done a lot of travelling this year without the safety net of my family that I continue to feel liberated when I’m here. With no rules other than mine to follow, isn’t this the greatest decision ever?
2. The world is so much bigger than I expected it to be.
Yes, I’m sure everyone knows by now that the world is physically big but I realized that the world is big because it is different. Culturally, linguistically, mentally different. So so different from what I imagined it to be. I, for one, knew I was different: I’m an asian and I’m female. But I didn’t know that among the exchange students, the category of race barely mattered. I witnessed a myriad of life beyond what I would usually see at home. How many people has seen homeless people lying on the streets? How many people has been indigenous people busking? How many people has seen streets that operate in the total opposite of how it functions back at home? How many people drink more beer than water because water is more expensive? How many people has sat in a feminist class and felt empowered and belonged? How many people has participating in protests to fight for the common good of society? How many people has seen the ocean touch the sky without any obstruction of land? And if you thought being bilingual is a big deal, do you know that there are many people who speak four languages in their country? It is one thing to know that we are all different, and another to feel the difference. Having said these, I’m not saying putting any value judgements on these differences. In fact, I quite like this variety. There is a whole diversity of life, of people, of language, of land, of colour, of hearts and of souls out there waiting to be discovered, waiting to be learnt. This world is so much bigger than our Instagram representations. The essence is in the experience.
3. Distance isn’t a barrier, absence is.
Just recently, I’ve been asked if I felt homesick and my response was “no”. I think my body has been conditioned to think that I’m just on a long vacation – a break from my regular life. Surprisingly, I don’t feel the barrier and in actuality, I feel more connected to my friends (back home and around the world) and family back home. I definitely talk more to my parents now that I’m away via WhatsApp or e-mails and my groupchats on WhatsApp are definitely more alive than it can ever be. It is funny, don’t you think? Perhaps it is because we know that we are physically away from each other and so we take more time and effort to communicate. With whatever methods we are using to be a part of the lives of each other, it’s definitely working. Distance isn’t a barrier, a lack of presence is.
.
My mum was right – now that I am “free from distractions” (obviously she has no clue what she’s talking about ha ha), I can do whatever I want and however I want. Having said all these, it’s merely my first month away from home and I definitely have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am extremely excited to make the best out of this programme and would like to pack my schedule so that no time is wasted. On the other hand, I want to take things slowly and ponder about my life in general. While I want to be a part of priceless moments here, I cannot help but wonder what these moments will mean when I leave Canada. Is the time and energy spent in doing something worth as much as I want it to be? Can I be a better ‘me’ so that I can enjoy this experience more? Such uncertainties in life can’t be solved until such moments are over.
Ah… Confusing thoughts aside. Still, I will continue to count every single day, and I really hope to make each day count.